Blu-ray or HD-DVD

Obviously with the two new formats on the market there will be a big dilemma between us early adopters (as myself) or impulsive buyers (as Mike) or risk averters (as Dan) to decide which format we should buy into. I offer an interesting piece of insight that I came across while looking up the price of Blu-ray burners.

Before I discuss the insight, I must mention that there are currently no HD-DVD burners right now, so that pretty much settles my issue of concern. Otherwise, the two formats offer more or less the same features and in favor of HD-DVD is that the players seem to be much less expensive now (up to half the price of Blu-ray players.)

It was pointed out however, that the pornography industry often dictates technology changes. To put it very simply, there is so much porn out there compared to regular movies (this will be a topic of later discussion - US porn video rentals are about 13 billion dollars yearly vs. about 9 billion for mainstream video) that they have quite an impact on which technology gets the most usage. Noteworthy also is that pornography is for the most part exclusively on home video in some format (unless you want to get caught rubbing one out at the Lusty Lady or something - as I am sure Chaz Lutz has - the Lusty Lady will also be a topic of future discussion.)

Pornography was largely responsible for the winning of VHS over Betamax in the early 80s. (Let's put it this way, I only knew one person (an unmentioned friend's dad) who had Betamax porn and it was a compilation of nasty sh1t that was probably copied from someone elses VHS tapes.) If you are interested in what was on this tape, let's just say that it was the closest thing that the early 1980s had to Bukkake - using several clips from different films. Pornography was also responsible for several of the most important internet technologies we take for granted (ie. online payment systems, streaming video, video rental delivery - such as Netflix - my old roommate had a pornflix time thing way before anyone had ever heard of Netflix.) Filesharing, insane bandwidth, etc. all was heavily influenced by porn.

So what's the point? Apparently, the porn industry has embraced HD-DVD. At one of the big porn industry conferences in Vegas earlier this month (AVN 2007), it appears that the overwealming concensus was that studios will be preferring HD-DVD because it is far cheaper and easier to produce these discs. (Straight from Bangbros mouth apparently is HD-DVD.) For all you sickos out there (Stabbone specifically), that might be enough to sway the decision right there. For me, I prefer Blu-ray because there are burners available (now at increasingly more reasonable prices.) If I need to, I will just burn the sh1t myself. Who buys/rents it anyways? And maybe I will just stick to low def smut. Who needs to see some nasty hairy ass at 1080p?

Business Card Fishbowl Scam

You know those fishbowls they have at restaurants? Throw your business card in and win a free lunch?



I used to throw my card in, and I think I won a platter of sandwiches for my office five years ago, but I basically almost never do it anymore. Though apparently I did it a few months ago at a sushi restaurant in LA. So then I get this phone call:

Caller: "Hi, this is [name redacted] from blah blah blah financial. You put your business card in the fishbowl at Kabuki Sushi, and you've won a free lunch for yourself and 15 of your co-workers."

Me: "Sweet."

Caller: "Now let me tell you how the lunch works. First I give you a 5-10 minute spiel about blah blah blah financial and the services I offer, and then we order. I'll pay for all the food and the tip - no sake - and all you have to do is give me the contact information for all of your co-workers."

Me: "Let me ask you a question. Does everyone who puts their business card in the fishbowl 'win' a free lunch for 15 people?"

Caller: "Um. Yes."

So I passed. But what a scam - a smart one - I would never give some random salesman my contact info, but apparently I'd do it unwittingly if I thought I was getting a free lunch out of it.

A Recipe for a Boner and Intense Fatigue

Editors note: The following is for satirical purposes only. Not recommended. Don't do it. It's dangerous. Want to get your boss all F'd up? We attempted this in the office last week (which by the way was the most absurd thing I have ever done in an office - including any promiscuous activities.) The mission basically failed due to some overlooked technicalities, but I have refined the process and am posting what I should have done here. Obviously any practical jokes on my boss are out of the question for a while because there is no way he will fall for them, but I felt it to be prudent to record this process so I may use it at some future point in time:

Necessary ingredients:
2 x Sildenafil Tablets (this is a potentially dangerous medication FYI)
4 x Zolpidem tabs (preferably not controlled release zolpidem)
1 x 5 to 10 cc syringe (in some states available without a prescription at any pharmacy if you claim you are a heroin addict or the alike)
A small amount of a clear high proof alcohol (vodka, gin, rum, everclear, etc.)
** Sildenafil = generic name for a common boner enducing drug, Zolpidem = generic name for your run of the mill fast acting prescription sleep medication

Directions:
1) Remove the blue coating off of the sildenafils using a file. Crush into a fine powder and dissolve in about 4-5cc of alcohol.
2) Remove any coating off of the zolpidem (if there is one) using the same technique and dissolve in the same alcohol.
3) Both of these compounds should be fully dissolvable with enough mixing.
4) Aspirate into the syringe. At this point, there should basically be about 5 cc of clear fluid in the syringe. This is potent sh1t.
5) Covertly squirt into your bosses open soda or other beverage when he is not looking.

Result:
Within about 15 minutes.... The boss starts walking like a chicken. Then realizes something bad is happening. Within about 10 more minutes, sits down and passes out at his desk with a huge boner. Wakes up 8 hours later with no recollection of anything. In a potentially better scenario, he doesn't make it to his desk and wakes up on the floor with the cleaning staff vaccuming around him.

Addendum:
In a similar yet different scheme recently done successfully by a non medical friend of mine (also a writer for sfchicken) a colleagues beverage was laced with an toxic dose of fish oil. Evidently this scheme was a success and the victim had to take a day off of work to unleash his mad diarrhea. The purpetrator felt so guilty that he confessed to his boss. I am almost thinking that it may be beneficial to add a diarrhea producing drug to my concoction above.

What Liquids May I Bring on the Plane?

Can't bring your toothpaste. That might be a bomb. Ditto for bottled water, hair gel, the soda you are currently drinking, sunscreen, etc. It's too bad that you could not get a prescription for toothpase and water, because then you could bring it on the plane without hassle. And even better, it's not volatile, explosive, flammable, dangerous, etc.

You want to participate in an experiment in air safety? Go to your physician and tell him you have angina. He will give you a prn (unlimited supply) prescription for nitroglycerin (nitro-quick, nitro-dur, nitolingual, nitro-paste, etc.) Nitroglcerin can be taken either under the toungue, intravenously, applied on a patch to the skin, topically as a lotion, swallowed, sprayed in the mouth, etc.) And the best thing about it? Its nitroglycerin. AKA the same thing dynamite/plastic explosives are made of. It's so volatile that it must be dispensed in containers that do not allow light to penetrate. This stuff will basically blow up by putting it under a light. You don't want to put a lit match anywhere near that open red bottle up there.

It is however pretty damn good at getting rid of angina (chest pain). So what is the solution? I don't know, but lets cut the bullsh1t and let people bring toothpaste on the plane and make sure that no one brings a 14 gallon tub of nitropaste with a prescription label on it.

The Tall Gentleman with the Curly Hair

Admitedly, I will start by saying that this is not my idea, rather it is Roddy's (who does not have posting priveleges.) I do take credit for the rant however and I do think it is worth mentioning.

Has political correctness gone to far. Borderlining on obsurdity? Here is the typical conversation I am talking about:

Me: Hey I was talking to that guy at work today who works at the front door checking peoples' ID badges.

Roddy: Which Guy?

Me: You know, the gentleman with the dark curly hair? Its pretty short. Ummm, a little bit heavy set, dark skin, has a little bit of an accent. Kind of sounds like he might have a South Chicago dialect. Really nice fella.

Roddy: Oh you mean the black guy thats the security guard.

Me: Yeah. That guy. Didn't know how else to describe him, but I guess you summed it up pretty well. I wish I would have thought of that.

I was filing a police report this morning and the officer asked me if the gentleman in question was "Black, White or Hispanic." If the cop can say it can't we all? She didn't even consider that it might have been an Asian or an Indian dude. But thats a different issue. Maybe they don't commit as many crimes or something.

The Case of the Fishy Coat Check

Last December, we were on the hunt for a delicious, extravagant sushi dinner. It was the holiday season and we were in the mood to drink, dine and be merry. I consulted Open Table and, as expected, all halfway decent Japanese restaurants were booked solid, except for Ozumo, a trendy downtown San Francisco spot. Ozumo is known for being extremely overpriced but we decided to just get ripped off and have a great time doing it. Well, little did we know just how much they'd rip us off--that they'd literally take the coats off our backs.

After feasting on overpriced fish, top-shelf Sake and basically anything the cute waitress suggested, we paid the ridiculous bill and headed for the coat check. And that's where the story really begins. You see, our coats had vanished from the coat check closet. I took a look myself and all I could find was a disorganized mess of boxes and excess inventory competing for space with garments. We asked the proverbial questions: "Is it in another closet? Where is the original hostess who issued the ticket? What now?" I was wearing a fairly pricey Miu Miu long coat. My friend admitted to wearing a "piece of junk worth about $100." I insisted they take a report, which they did. We left Ozumo into a very cold night with no coats, no consolatory shot of sake and not even an offer to hail a cab on our behalf.

It's now approaching February and we are still getting the run around from Ozumo. I've filed a police report, been interrogated by Ozumo's "Insurance investigator," sent numerous emails and basically "project managed" getting them to reimburse me. Call me crazy, but if one of the most expensive restaurants in SF loses coats they inherently promised to protect, I'd think they'd bend over backwards to resolve the situation immediately.

But wait, it gets worse: They are now insinuating that we "altered" their hand-written coat checks in some elaborate plot to extort money from them. Ozumo's coat check is such a mess that they don't even use professionally printed tickets. Instead. they hand write numbers on pieces of flimsy paper.

Quote from Christopher An, Ozumo Manager:
First and foremost I would like to apologize for the delay in returning your message. I have spoken with my staff regarding Saturday night. They state that if in fact the coats were lost, it was neither intentional nor acknowledged. They assure, however, the coats were not stolen. I am inclined to believe they are truthful. I have spoken with Joe Fisher, Director of Operations, and he is fully aware of the situation. As of now, before we can proceed I will need the following: a copy of the police report you have filed as well as receipts for both coats. If you like I am more than willing to speak to Ms. Fisher and relay all necessary information as well. I realize you are in town for a few days and I would like to resolve this as expediently as possible.

Email from Alvin Wang, Ozumo GM
I have forwarded the information to the insurance company and am awaiting their response. I have spoken to the owner about this and he will not authorize me to write you a check for $1,300.00 I am sympathetic to your situation but I must deal with the facts. - I have a lost jacket that I have no receipt for. - I have a coat ticket that has been clearly altered. I know this is no comfort to you but that is the reality of the situation. As much as I would like to send you something I have been advised to let the insurance company handle this. I will call the insurance company tomorrow to inquire the status of your claim.

Thanks Ozumo, you're a class act!

A Touch of Velvet

For those of you men who are around my age, you were probably covertly reading whatever kind of smut you could get your hands on since the early 1980s. The specifics of what I was reading (not using) at that time are kind of vague. I did however come across the afformentioned magazine on one of those random iterative clicking journeys through Wikipedia that you are all surely familiar with.

What I remember about Velvet specifically was that it was considered far and by large the nastiest of the nastiest dirt available at the time. So nasty even, that the only copy I actually ever saw belonged to some sick twisted kid at summer camp who stole it from his father before he left for the summer.

It would be interesting today, in the year 2007 to see what exactly was printed in this magazine. I remember it was pretty obscene at the time, but based on the cover alone, I bet it pales in comparison to a PG rated movie today (also note that Richard Pryor was somehow involved with this particular issue.)

Flexible Spending Accounts for Healthcare. Not Very Flexible.

I recently came to the realization that my vision sucks and I need to go see the Optometrist. I decided that if my eyes were bad enough such that I needed to wear contacts or eyeglasses all the time, that I would just skip that whole process and get laser vision correction. I've heard great things about it, however, it does cost about $4000. One of my friends knew well in advance that he was going to have the procedure done and planned for it by allocating the necessary funds into his Flexible Spending Account for Healthcare (FSA). So, I decided to investigate FSA's.

For those who are unfamiliar with FSA's, it's a system whereby you can contribute up to $5000/year from your salary (pre-tax) to pay for health care expenses. So if I decided that I needed $5000 for health care expenses, my employer would deduct $417/month (pre-tax) from my salary for the entire year and deposit the sum into the FSA. The good thing about FSA's is that the entire sum of $5000 is available on the first of the year, even though I hadn't actually contributed anything to it yet (remember, my employer will deduct $417/month for the whole calendar year). Funds from the FSA can be used to pay for authorized health care expenditures. Sounds perfect, right? Well, not exactly, the reason I say it's not exactly "flexible" is that you must decide the amount you want to allocate in advance. At my company, we must decide in October for the upcoming calendar year.

So, using my example, if I wanted to use pre-tax dollars to pay for my laser vision correction, I would need to allocate the proper amount in October of this year, and get the surgery done no earlier than January 1, 2008. I would have to wait almost an entire year to get my medically necessary procedure. The concept of the spending account being "flexible" is lost on me.

Here is the real kicker about FSA's, if you do not use the money you allocated for authorized health care expenses by March 15 of the following year, you lose what you did not use. Where does the money go? My initial thought was that the IRS would take the money, after all, you set up an FSA to avoid paying excess taxes. However, it's your employer that gets to keep the money which you do not use! I think this is very wrong! A miscalculation about how much I anticipate to spend in health care now benefits my employer?

I think it's great that there is a system to pay for health care expenses pre-tax, but this system is awful. You need to be a psychic to take full advantage of the program, and if you're not, cha-ching! for either your employer (contributed too much), or the IRS (contributed too little).

News Alert

SFChicken readers: A secret board of three outsiders has been put together. Any article that gets posted that gets a thumbs down from all three board members gets flagged ASAP, labeled as "sucks" and will get a new time stamp with the year 2000. This way, you can still see the article, it will just be moved way down and labels removed. This is meant to keep the quality top notch. It will be like the Gong Show all over again. I hope this makes your reading experience more enjoyable, just another innovation we have implemented here at SFChicken to show we care. We encourage our readers to leave comments and tell us if you think anything sucks enough to move into the sucks category.

Democracy Must Rule

I hereby motion to change the name of this blog from SFChicken to SFMustache. I don't like chicken and all of the arteries, veins, tendons, skin and fat that you must knaw through to get a measly nasty piece of soggy meat. When you eat a steak for example, you are eating a muscle. When you eat a chicken you are literally eating a piece of chicken (like a leg, wing, etc.) Would you want to knaw through the leg of a nasty cow, having to scavenge your way through the fur, skin, fat, fascia, arteries, veins, nerves just to get the same kind of meat that butcher can cut for you eliminating all of the drama? I'd rather eat a horse (if it was butchered properly) than a chicken. And back to the point, this site has much more to do with mustaches anyways.

Imipramine-induced erection, masturbation, and ejaculation in male horses

While perusing the medical literature on the internet for an unrelated presentation, I came across the following research abstract. I have abridged it for the sake of space:

Imipramine hydrochloride was administered to five male horses: one experienced young stallion, two mature normal breeding stallions, one 5-year-old stallion with erection and ejaculatory dysfunction, and one long-term castrated male horse...... Erection typically occurred within 10 minutes after injection, and the erection and masturbation continued intermittently for 1 to 2 hours. These erections proceeded as during sexual excitement to a normal firmness and eventual engorgement of the glans penis. Two stallions ejaculated while masturbating. Mild ataxia and drowsiness appeared at the higher doses, but the animals remained responsive to auditory, visual, and tactile stimuli. Erection and masturbation were often interrupted by activities about the barn or the approach of the handler, suggesting cortical inhibitory control of the erection.

Three things strike me as comical about this. First and most obviously, if you have ever seen a horse get an erection, I have said enough. Second, how does a horse masterbate? I can't figure that one out and it's not mentioned in the abstract. Third, and more subtle is the comment about the approach of the handler while in the barn. Basically what is happening to this horse is what is happening to you when you all the sudden think of your grandmother for some ungodly and unknown reason in the middle of doing the hibidy dibity. Who knew that horses were so discretionary in their masturbatory fantasies?

The Seat is for Sitting

Here in SF, it is law that toilet seat covers be supplied in public rest rooms. So, after I grab the Wall Street Journal and put it under my arm, on my way to the second office, I lay down the paper seat cover. For those of you non Californians, these things are very thin and flimsy in order to be flushable. 2 out of 3 times the paper seat cover gets glued to the seat, and the adhesive agent is clearly yellow. For those women readers, the men's bathroom has both urinals and toilets. The urinals are meant for urination, the other one is meant for the other thing, and from what I understand you have to sit down for the other thing.

Why the F do people go into the toilet to urinate. Moreover, why do those people have less stream control than the average person? Furthermore, it is more work to urinate in the toilet than a urinal; A urinal requires walking over and undoing the fly, then shaking off and you are done. The toilet requires more steps than that, and ruins it for everyone else who needs to do number two.

Here is the deal people, no one in the men's bathroom cares about the size of your unit, and there are privacy dividers as well, so please just pull it out and use the urinal next time. And if you do insist on using the wrong one, please put the seat up.

Phone Etiquette

I just received a phone call from the 617 and the conversation went like this:

Woman: Who is this?
Me: Matt
Woman: Matt who?

I hung up on her.

Turns out that when I called my brother this morning, in the same area code, I mis-dialed. I realized this when I heard voice mail, and hung up. This woman was returning my call three hours later based on the Caller ID.

This has to be the single biggest downside of Caller ID. Back in the 80s if you called someone by accident, or called someone you knew and didn't want your call returned, you hung up. The way you got someone to call you back was by leaving a message on their answering machine.

Things have gotten out of control as people think that just cause you show up on their Caller ID, they are entitled to call you back, even if they don't recognize the number. What is wrong with these people anyway? Are they so desperate to get a phone call that they will return anything? People: if I want you to call me back, I will leave a message. Do not return Caller ID. Why should I have this conversation on the phone, I don't have this conversation at the bar:

Woman: You were looking at me back there, what did you want to talk about?
Me: I was actually looking for the bathroom, and you happened to be in my line of sight.

Equally obnoxious are people you know who expect a returned call when they don't leave a message.

Them: Why didn't you call me back.
Me: You didn't leave a message.
Them: Yeah, but you saw I called.
Me: You didn't leave a message.

I do not return Caller ID. I return messages. This technology does not alter the rules of the game.

Tee Time

Some mild entertainment for you all. Basically, after a poker game one night on a golf trip, it seemed like a good idea to smash the winner's stack of chips with a golf club. We rolled dice, high roll got to smash them, low roll had to clean them up. Low roll was Louie, and you may hear him taunted afterwards. The high roller ended up breaking the club in the process. Watch as he realizes this and looks back at the club owner, feeling a little guilty. Music by the Venga Boys.

Minister of Moustaches

From a concerned reader:

Guys, before you all decide on the best mustache, you must first consider another candidate, which is our (Israel’s) ministry of defense.

I must agree that this is worthy of consideration and possibly the winner by TKO.

I have heard rumours that an Iraqi physician I work with has an Iraqi army photo from the 70s with the official best moustache ever. Knowing some of the other Iraqi physicians in the city, I do not doubt it one bit. As soon as I am able to get my hands on that I will post it.

The Greatest Threat to American Freedom

The other day it dawned on me that every time there is a tax increase, we are losing freedom. The freedom to spend out hard earned money as we would like. These restrictions on freedom could be as trivial as not being able to afford to vacation or entertain as much as we would like, or maybe as serious as parents not being able to send their kids to the school of their choice (There are clearly worse scenarios but I don't want to get into that). The bottom line, the biggest threat to American Freedom, isn't the NSA phone tapping suspected terrorists, it's Congress deciding that they want more of your money to spend as they please.

The Truth About Casino Comps

I'd suffice to say that I've done a fair share of gambling in my life. My gambling career started at age 18 playing the the most ghetto Indian Casino ever. Being a gambler, I know a lot about the comps systems of the Casino Industry. Basically, to get a free room at any decent hotel in Vegas, you need to have an average bet of at least $150 (or more depending on the game) for four or more hours per day. This is based upon the theoretical house advantage of the game you are playing. They plan on giving you back roughly 30% of your anticipated losses in freebies. The problem is that if you get an extreme run of bad luck (which happens frequently) and you blow out tons of cash, in an hour, you earn very little comps. I've received more comps on a weekend where I won money, than when I lost tons of money. Essentially, if you're winning, you are able to play longer, and thus earn comps. If you are getting man handled by the casino, they add to the ass kicking by making you pay for that "all you can eat" in room porno package you bought to take your mind off your losses.

Paris Hilton: Moron with Herpes

A 6000 square foot storage locker containing the sex tapes, diaries, financial and medical records of Paris Hilton was sold at auction for a little over $2000. The mentally stunted Heiress failed to pay the whopping storage fees of $208, so the contents were sold at auction, digitized and posted on a website charging $39/month. Now, I never thought Paris was a genius, but I did give her credit for having some intelligence, after all, she's making money for doing absolutely nothing but being a mediocre looking party slut. Now I know she's a complete idiot. First, what kind of idiot forgets to pay their rent on a storage locker full of personal items, and lets it go to auction. I'm sure they sent her plenty of warnings. And why weren't the fees on autopay? Second, who makes more sex tapes after already having sex tapes leaked to the public? BTW, I have seen the site where all this is posted, and it's awful, the user interface is terrible, it's really slow, and very unorganized. Most of the stuff on there is really boring. I'll save you the trouble of looking yourself. Highlights so far (they add content to keep you coming back each month) are: Paris getting stoned and talking to her lap dog, some guy getting to second base with Paris before shutting off the camera, Paris pretending to smoke a tampon, prescriptions with Paris' name on it for Valtrex (herpes meds) and medical records showing that her alias had a miscarriage in 2003. Supposedly, there is a taped phone conversation between Paris and the Governator, can't wait to find out what is on that tape.

I've got to give it up to the guy who bought this stuff at auction for $2k, Congrats on cashing in on Paris' stupidity!

iPhone: Apple's Next iPod, or Next Newton?

As everyone who's intelligent enough to be reading sfchicken.com knows, Steve Jobs introduced Apple's much anticipated new product, the iPhone. The Street reacted to the announcement, Apple's stock soared at the expense of both Research in Motion and Palm Inc. The night before Macworld felt like Christmas Eve for a small child for me as I've been waiting for an Apple phone for a long time. When Macworld finally got underway, I sat reading constant updates on MacRumors to be some of the first to find out about the new device. I have to say, the user interface exceeded all of my expectations. Being the impulse buyer I am, I would have bought it that minute if I had the chance. Now that I've had some time to cool off, I'm starting to think I'm not going to buy the product I've been waiting years for. Why not? I can answer that question in one word, Cingular. Apple signed an exclusive deal with Cingular, so if I want the iPhone, I have no choice but to deal with a substandard wireless company. Cingular claims to have the fewest dropped calls, maybe that would be true if the only other carrier was T-Mobile. However, I have enough friends with Cingular to know, upon the purchase of the iPhone, I will no longer have reliable voice communication. Honestly, that's not a deal breaker 'cause this device will be an awesome Internet communicator. I will make the sacrifice of voice for data. Well, there's the other snag. The data network that the iPhone operates on (EDGE) is just barely faster than dial up. So all of Steve Job's talk about rich text email, fully functional browser, etc... is all well and good if you're at a wireless hot spot and can connect via WfFi, but if not, you may as well be back in 1997 surfing the net via AOL. I don't know about you, but I generally only have an available WiFi connection in two places, my office and at home where I would much rather use a full computer for my email/Internet surfing. So now what is the iPhone? It's a phone you can't talk on, and breakthrough Internet communicator with terrible data service. So what's left? I guess it's nice to text on, but that remains to be seen. I'm still a little skeptical of the touch screen keyboard. In summary, if a serious Mac Addict like me is leaning towards not buying it, who is going to pony up the $600 and possibly the additional $175 penalty to their current mobile carrier to break their contract. I guess only time will tell.

Pick a Number (with Canadian spelling)

My name is Matt, and I am colour blind. As are one in ten males, and one in one hundred females. I found this out, and that it meant that I could not be a pilot, when I was very young. Thankfully, at that time I still had aspirations of being He-Man when I grew up. No harm, no foul. No scarring.

I’m sure many of you have been tested and are familiar with the test. It is basically a series of coloured dots, that when all presented together, show a number using the subtle nuances among the colours. Unfortunately, if you are colour blind, you don’t see a number in most of these. Even worse, in some, you see a different number. Is this really necessary? I mean isn’t it bad enough to ask a kid what number they see and have to make them admit that they don’t see one? That is tough enough. Even worse is asking a kid what number they see, and they get all pumped cause they got one “70!”, only to be met with “Wrong dumbass, its 29”. When I look at the below picture, I see 70.

In this day and age of political correctness, we could use friendlier terms as well. I mean Colour Blind is a little harsh. They tried using Colour Deficient with me, but that sounds just as bad - just patronizing. I say we call it "Cone-ally Challenged", and make it a little easier for kids to hear. And lets not pull the bait and switch number trick on them anymore either.

Just a quick thought for the day...

Discontinued Underwear

Last year I while I was living in Phoenix, I came across a great find at Target. They had these long sleeve undershirts available in a variety of colors for under 10 dollars. As you may or may not know, it is difficult to find long sleeve undershirts and even more difficult to find any type of undershirts in any color other that white. Even better, these were brand name (Hanes.) I bought 3 of them and I liked them so much that I later returned to Target only to find they were sold out. In fact the next several times I went to Target (often different locations) I asked about these and no one knew what I was talking about. I have even tried to find them on the internet and on Hanes' website to no avail. I have found similar items, but nothing exactly the same.

This sounds crazy and you must all think I am nuts. But I was thinking today about the following. What would I do if I knew that my favorite underwear was going to be discontinued? Over the years I have developed a liking to a specific brand and model. The Hanes Classics Tagless Knit Boxers. Note that these boxers have several desirable features in them. They are knit (soft cotton), tagless (no itchiness) and they are classic (will never go out of style, just like a black suit.)

If these were to become discontinued I would forever regret not buying more of them, just as I regret not buying those long sleeve undershirts. Would I stockpile in anticipation of them becoming rare or obsolete like some did in the 1980s to old Canadian one dollar bills? How many would I buy? I honestly think I would order a box of 100 or so pairs, in different varieties and colors. These would probably end up being heavily discounted based on the fact that they were about to become a discontinued product and that I would be buying them in bulk.

Just a quick thought for the day...

Is Lip Balm Gay?

One of the quirks about being a foreigner in the United States (I am Canadian) is the things that people ask you to bring back for them when I return from my vacation. I get all kinds of requests ranging from MacKintosh's toffee to medications, etc. This last time I had the strangest request of them all.

I was most recently in Canada for a neck surgery that essentially left me home/couch bound for about three weeks. Just before I left, a friend of mine named Mark had asked me if I could bring him back a bunch of Labello lip balms (a bunch being ten.) I have never heard of the stuff before, but he assured me that it was "the bomb" and that it was not available in the United States.

This left me in a predicament. I had no way of personally getting him the stuff because I was home bound and I was leaving for Chicago the next morning. So without any other options, I had to ask my father to go pick up a bunch of Labello lip balm for my friend Mark. Obviously at this point, I realized that I just should have told him her name was Susan and that would have been the end of it. Instead, it turned into a defensive discussion about how I was not gay and that I had no idea why a man would want this stuff. He asked me if Mark's lips were not soft and I had no good answer.

So when I got back home, I insisted on a pretty damn good explanation about why he needed this shit because now my father thinks I am gay. As it turns out, he explained to me, if you ever pick off a nasty dry part of your lip and you remove too much of it (to the point where it bleeds), you will forever need this stuff because your lip will be dry in that part forever. Fair enough I guess. But I still think Mark might be gay (and lip balm probably is.)

Mike The Headless Chicken

I must say that after reading your piece below on squash I was more interested in the video and began to wonder why is it chickens run around after having their heads cut off? So I set off and searched the world wide web (or rather google) and below is what I found out:

Chickens seldom run after their heads are cut off. When they do, it is because the head was cut too close, and part of the brain stem or upper spinal cord, containing the relevant circuits, are still there. The reason chickens run around with their heads cut off is because of a panic reaction. The last message the brain sends to the nerves is to escape and flee and panic all rolled into one. So the nerves follow the last message the brain sent them before being cut off. Then the decapitated chicken runs madly around until its heart stops.

Pretty amazing how the chickens body follows that last command and the nerves remain active, causing the muscles to work by doing what they were last told.

Even more amazing is this true story about a headless chicken named Mike that lived for 18 months after being decapitated! Mike's original purpose what to be dinner for the chicken owner's mother in law!

Mike The Headless Chicken

Imperial, Walrus Variety

Roddie pointed out, that Rollie Fingers has to be mentioned for best stache, which happens to be of the Spaghetti style:If we are going to enter the sports domain, then you can't ignore Lanny MacDonald, who sports a Walrus Stache:

Rocket Science

Is it me, or is space exploration just not as sexy these days as it was in the 80's when I was growing up? Maybe it’s the fact that we haven’t gone back to the moon lately (apparently once you’ve seen one chunk of moon rock, you’ve seen them all), or maybe the novelty has just worn off. Either way, the outer limits used to be cool, but these days the public has a better chance of seeing Band Camp II than Space Camp II.

This leads me to one of the forgotten gems of the eighties, and that was space food. Not talkin’ Tang here, I am talking about the little silver envelope of powder that you could buy at your local Space and Science Center with a full turkey dinner in it just by adding water. These were a mere novelty for many a kid, but let’s not deny the practicality of these things. I mean, people (rightly) rip on bachelors for not cooking anything but KD, and all these guys have to do is load up on space food and they are set. Get all your required nutrients by just adding water – it could not be easier.

Don’t believe me? Check out this Blog’s namesake, the SFChicken meal (sponsorship deal in the works) – complete with nutritional value listed (no saturated fat). And as the site claims, these are still used. If it’s good enough for NASA Astronauts, it should be good enough for the single man.

The Real customer service

Well put on the customer service rant. We all agree that the epidemic has spiraled out of control into dangerous territory. But lets be clear that the Customer service lady does not look like the one that Dan suggests in his article. Oh and one more thing. We sent a man to the moon literally 40 years ago, not 50 (this is from a guy who does not have a Masters Degree in Math.)

Customer "Service"

Here is the deal. We are in the year 2007, literally we sent a man to the moon 50 years ago, have supercomputers that have mapped the entire human genome, and can calculate Pi to a gazillion decimal places in about 1 minute. Why is it then when I call customer support and want to talk to a person, the machine makes you input your account number via touch-dial, but then when you finally talk to someone it is gone. You have to give it to the person so they can type it into their computer. Apparently, the computer that the customer service rep types into doesn't talk to the computer that you typed the number into using the phone key pad.

So, obviously I am getting frustrated by the time I am talking to "Joe Smith" with an Indian accent, and have to ask him all about why I would possibly have to tell him the number again, after typing it into the system. Then Joe thinks I am a dick for harassing him because he is just doing his job, and he is right. Here is the other thing, don't ask me my name and then mispronounce it 100,000 times during the call. Either don't ask me how to say it, and then mispronounce it, or ask me how to pronounce it and then get it right, or don't feel the need to say my name more than once. Because, basically ending every subsequent sentence with my mispronounced name really is over the top. But I digress.

Where does the first number I type into go? Does it get lost in the ether? Oh, and BTW, don't bother not trying to put it in, or give it a phony one, because I already tried that and it doesn't work. Does the first number I enter send it to some marketers database? Which leads me to my second problem...

We all know that if you have a problem with a company, and you are talking on the phone with them, then you need to get a name and extension for it to get resolved, so they don't just yes you to death and hang up and laugh. But now companies are starting not to tell you anything but first names and regions. Here is the deal, don't tell me you are "Joe from the California office". I have a hunch that calling back customer service when the problem never gets fixed and asking for Joe from California won't be fruitful.

Basically, it is getting to the point where I would rather have a root canal than go through the call customer service dance again.

Is it a sausage? Or maybe a snake?

Ever wonder why there is no way to test your shit analagous to the way that your eyes are tested in a Dr's office? Well since 1997 there has been. And most physicians are neglecting to do this. In the Scandinavian Journal of Gastroenterology, two physicians by the names of Heaton and Lewis (at the University of Bristol) published a classification system that enabled us to better describe our excrement. So to answer your impending question... The best type is 3 or 4. Type 1 and 2 is considered constipation, types 5 and 6 are considered symptomatic diarrhea and type seven is the most concerning (as it may be a sign of cholera.) Personally, I see no problem with pinching out a Type 2 every now and then, but who am I to make such a bold statement? After all, this has all been studied and published in a peer reviewed medical journal. If you have any questions call your physician. As a matter of fact, I recommend you call your physician anyways and tell him that you looked at the Bristol Stool Chart and were concerned that you were excreting Type 7 stools. Have his answering service page him sometime after hours. After all, you can die really quickly from Cholera. I will tell you that if you live in the western world, you don't have cholera, but then again, I think that there is nothing wrong with a Type 2 stool.

A Small Step in the Right Direction

Last Friday I went for pre-dinner drinks at Vino Venue, it's a wine bar here in San Francisco with an interesting concept. At this establishment you put money on a debit card which is used to purchase tastings from a computerized system. The system automatically dispenses the wine and deducts the appropriate amount from the debit card. They have a tremendous selection with well over 100 bottles to choose from. I am a huge fan of taking humans out of the equation wherever possible, so I was very excited to give this system a try. Upon arriving, I decided that I wasn't in the mood to do wine "tasting", what I really wanted was a nice full glass of tasty wine. Unfortunately I discovered that the automated system did not dispense anything but tastings and that I would have to go get a drink from the human bartender. Now, I know what you're thinking, why not just buy several tastings of one wine to compose a full glass? The tastings are pricey so the cost would be ludicrous. So, I went to the bar, waited as usual to get the bartenders attention, and asked for a wine list (which was extremely limited for glasses). Here was a wine bar with literally over 100 bottles of wine on tap, and I am relegated to choosing from list of about five red wines. Needless to say, I was very disappointed. They have this elaborate system to n